The Voices in My Heart

At this point in time, i’m so irritated and flustered that i can blow up or even puke at anybody who even lays a pinky on me. perhaps the following would help you who get me on the verge of killing you to save your sorry you-know-what from me:

Things that irritate me:

A gossip who isn’t biologically female.
Every freaking person in the face of the earth knows for a fact that the better gossips as far as homo sapiens are concerned are females. i am one.. not a gossip, but a female. i know that WE do gossip a lot. perhaps that was the one thing women had to identify themselves with. bet you missed it…. that WAS one thing… in just a matter of a month, i have came across 2 world-class male gossips. WHAT’S UP WITH U DUDES?!!
if there was one thing i liked about a guy would be his ability to not stick his snub nose into other people’s crap. and then there comes 2 idiots who totally defy the laws of nature.

These are wat is expected of a MAN… as in, if a guy does all these, he’s excused for being a man…

1) he loves himself…. and then comes the issue of egoism
2) he sit with his legs wide open… why the hell are you looking at me like that! it’s a F A C T!
3)he drinks right from the bottle, even if the drink is shared by twenty in the house
4) He is that much of a listener (when it comes to D & Ms)
5) he isn’t that much of a speaker (when it comes to emotions)
6) The stuff growing on his head is of higher priority than the VVIP in his life
7) HIS body odour doesn’t bother him… everybody else’s does
he doesn’t give a damn to many things in life… ignorance is bliss
9)He loves his mom no matter what
10) he doesnt freaking go around talking abt people and back biting and whatever!!!!

Note to guys who defy expectation 10:
STOP BEING SISSY! DON’T GO AROUND MAKING FUNNY FACES AT PPLE YOU DON’T LIKE! STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES IN PUBLIC! (that, is really one thing that bothers me totally - how uncool is that? a guy rolling eyes over some trivial matter… YIKES!) AND STOP WHISPERING INTO YOUR BUDD’S EARS AND AT THE SAME TIME GIVING UR ARCH ENEMY THE EVIL EYE! THOSE ARE ALL FOR LEGALLY BLONDES AND MEAN GIRLS TO DO! NOT YOU! STOP STEALING THE WOMEN’S IDENTITY!
S T A Y   O U T   O F   I T ! ! !

If you have a problem with someone, confront them upfront and get it over with. don’t hide behind your friends or your computers and gossip!!! gosh! Curse the person who called you "cool" to death!
It’s only gonna be a matter of time for me to come up to u and yell the crap out of your sorry you-know-what… wait till i see you again….

Irresponsible behaviour.
there’s always a limit to being irresponsible. and there’s always a limit to my kindness and take-it-easy attitude. there is always a limit to my tolerance-capacity. THERE’S ALWAYS A LIMIT!

see… even if you are an hour late for an appointment, i would drop it. but if ur an hour late for almost all of your appointments…..

if you’re s’posed to call someone within this particular time, do so. if you’re s’posed to return a call, do so. if you’re supposed to be there where you should be… do so. JUST DO SO WILL YA!!!

i am a bloody procrastinator. i know that… but at least i get things done before it’s too late, and no one’s hurt… in any way.

look, i don’t erupt easily… but if i do in front of you…. blame it on your sorry you-know-what. BLAME IT ON YOUR SORRY YOU-KNOW-WHAT!!!

and oh, one more thing…. it’s ok if you can’t help…. but don’t be a hindrance. coz if u are…. kiss you sorry you-know-what goodbye…

I know you won’t agree with me on this one… but fana’s gotta say what fana’s gotta say
i am such an angel, that’s the way God made me. but too bad, God gave me a forked tongue that’s only visible to those who bother me beyond my limits. and mind you… my limits are set high…
high tolerance to irritation, anger, anxiety, EVERYTHING. so, if i blow….. you - know -  what.

Buzzing off…
fana~

The NOW status: Wednesday - 21Sept 2005, 0718am
i was studying all the way from 1am till about 6am… and now im here, a few hours away from my ABC paper… blogging.
Now, let me remind myself…. was i the one who said i dun blog? hmm.. wonder what has gotten into me…

This morning… i mean EARLY this morning, when i was in the process of memorizing the toughest ABC a person can ever see (if u noe wad i mean), a thought flashed into my mind. eh! flash has many meanings to it ok… and this is the clean version. u perverts.

THE THOUGHT (that flashed): hmm… (chromatography)… my inspiration…. (gel permeation)….to go this far and still feel unburdened… (ABC ABC)…. is 2 people in my life…

Person 1: My (late) Grandma
i just HAD to put a picture of her here.
See how healthy and happy she looks? well… 2 years later, she got her right leg amputated. Yeah, she lost her leg to diabetes. She is one woman who stood tall thru all the shit she went through.
My mum told me that she wanted to study to be a teacher, but her father didn’t allow her to. so, when she got married, had 7 children, and lost her husband when her 1st child was about 14 and the last abt 1 year old, she went to work TTSH. and mind you, TTSH at that time was nothing compared   to now. She work as a "missy" they called then; cleaning the wards, sweeping, wshing dishes, and bathing patients, clearing human waste….
Then she told her father… "look father, if only you let me study, i would be carrying a handbag full of students’ scripts instead of a bag of human waste"

despite being a single parent, she managed to make ALL HER 7 CHILDREN complete their o levels (don’t u DARE ask me abt their grades), and that is a great acheivement at that time for a single mother.

When she lost her leg and was bound to the wheelchair for the next 8 years of her life, she faced many problems. She has to go to the loo all by herself, sift herself to and from the toilet (or bed when going to sleep) and the wheel chair. And she wasn’t a very light person, nor was she strong… but she was in fact, strong at heart. she even cooked her own meals while bound to the wheelie.

She was so religious that every evening, she’d spend about 2 hours reading the Quran (holy book) in the room.

Then she fell very ill, went to the hospital, and after 2 weeks of paralysis… (as in, she is conscious, but can’t talk or move her hands and leg) she passed on. all of us (her kids and the grandchildren) knew she was "leaving us for good" slowly, and all we could do was sit there beside her, talk to her even when she cannot respond to us and help her pass on in peace. and she did… she died in her sleep.

Thinking about the life she had and how she coped, i could really give her a cape and ask her to wear her undies above her pants, coz she WAS superwoman! All she had to hold on… were her 7 kids, and her faith in God. and if she managed to live to a good 67 years happily… i dun see the reason why i could not.

She was, is and will be my inspiration to live my life to the fullest with what i have. but sadly, on the day of her funeral, even though EVERYONE was crying… i didnt even shed a single teardrop. and i still don’t believe it. till today, when i think about her…. i feel all wrenched inside, coz she was such a good person and she gave love to all… ALL. but i just don’t cry… no tears would come out, and i still don’t know why. Geez, i love her so much. she’s definitely the person i look up to most.

Person 2: My elder sis.. Juleiha
She didn’t have a perfect life either. she was the 1st child and all of u guys out there, u know how it is like to be the 1st. responsibilities… she gets the scoldings for what the younger sisters do, she has to sacrifice things for everyone, she has to do this she has to do that… and she kept all her sorrows inside…. coz her leaning shoulder…. never really existed.
see, if i have a problem, i can talk to my elder sis…. who would she go to if she had a problem? mum?
and she always has set the "academic trend" in the  household… people compare her to me and everybody. having someone who has already done what i am gonna do is already a bonus. and she was my bonus. i went to the same primary school as her, i went to the same sec. school as her, i went to poly instead of JC coz she did so… i chose a science course coz she did. i wana go to UNSW coz she is there now… studying.
In australia, life is not what it is like here. she stays with my uncle and things aren’t always in smooth sailing. she doesn’t understand them, they don’t understand her… there’s not much privacy… she’s away from the people whom she is most closest to (us… me… mum). and she has to study hard  despite all these coz the fees are high and there’ll be no point in sacrificing so much if nothing is acheived at this time. she thinks about so many things and yes, she does break down occasionally… she is human after all.
But her courage to step up and make the decisions and clear the path for us to go through easily… is very much appreciated by me.
Being sisters we do ight and argue and tear each others’ hair a lot, but in the end, it’s THAT companionship that we will sought after when we need a really good leaning shoulder or an advice.

Like how my granny has been my source of motivation to live life well and have faith in God, my sister is my source of inspiration to study hard and fight whatever that faces my with all my might.

A special note to Miss Juleiha aka my sistA!
if u r reading my blog……
you actually mean to me more than what i have said here. and as a matter of fact, ur my only encouragement to actually study and do well academically. If i happen to do better than u in any way… don’t feel jealous!!!! feel proud of me, coz this was what you moulded out of me.
Your stay down under may not be ur cup of tea, but u are doing your best and i understand how things are. if ever u feel demoralised or anything like that… im just one call away…

OK buddEys! im gonna go and study a lil bit more now… and DON’T U DARE DO A SPELL CHECK ON MY ENTRY!!!!

Buzzing off….
faNa~

see… this is the exam period.. .and everybody is so busy studying - or so they say.

before i start my rattle on Gift Galore… here’s something that happened today…

19 September 2005

1230am     I started studying for HBD
0230am     i decided to go to sleep
0700am     i woke up
0730am     did some photo editing stuff….. just to humor myself
0830am     went to bathe
0900am     all ready to leave the house… but exam’s at 1230pm =s
0905am     so i decide to study
1020am     left the apartment
1130am     saw my friend studying at south canteen, so i joined in… and saw her study
1215pm     Adeline "&%$%*$" Chua get us all settled, papers laid, names written blah blah
1230pm     I started doing the paper
1239pm     i finished the mcq… 30 of em
1315pm     did section B….. then i left

And no doubt i was the 1st to leave…. a 2-hour paper.. done in 3-quarters an hour.

Conclusion: it’s either that the paper was too easy that i can tear it up and bury it…. or it was too difficult that i decided to tear myself up and bury me. *no comments*

Okay… i went home… after all those "studying", writing/shading and travelling… i decided to catch a break.

went to my room, opened my huge cabinet. well, this is where i keep all those gifts that my friends and other people give…. non perishables of course!
and as i went through them… memories breezed in.. it was cool actually.
A list of what i saw:

A leo mug from zana
a photo frame from hoza & zana
a photo frame from yun hsuan
The dolphin thing from sahidah
the letter I from sahidah’s sis
the kushy kushy blue tiger from qishu, that linjin gave me… haha
a little notepad from lai lai, my best friend in primary 4!!! it’s 8 years old!!
the smiley glass cups and the pooh bear jar from kenneth
the "Angel of the Class" cat from Mr Goh.. given on our grad. day… u  saw it right… i was named the angel of my class by my form teacher…respect please… oh, xue lan too… ANGEL… mind you
the candle holder with well wishes  HAND WRITTEN around it from Ms Goh
the mickey mouse mug from CTZ
the 12 candles from nonya
the last-day-of-4V1 card from marr
the scented candle and bracelet from donna
That letter from my "angel" from the "angel-mortal" game in sec 3… and yeah… i still have it… haha… ya! from sec 3… hey, it’s not surprising to see this coz i have something from Primary 4 alrite!
the cat mug from dog
the thumb-sucking, pink-assed monkey from devid… hee

hmm.. each of them hold many good memories…. and i can’t believe i still have that notepad from primary 4…. whoa….

oh, btw….. if u get any of these from me… rember… REMBER that u saw it here… it holds lots of memories (and that’s y i passed it on to u)… keep it good.

you would also know that i m a cheap idiot…. oh well…. how long can i hide something like that about me…. waahahaahaha

**The paragraph above the paragraph above this paragraph is purely fictitious. But the paragraph above… is true… eRgh

Now, looking at those, and sharing it with you guys had just made a tough day feel good.

i don’t know why is entry sounds all so mushy and soft on the inside… in fact, i’m quite grossed out now… but deleting this post would mean i sat here and typed all of the above for nothing… actually if WAS for nothing…. Argh! ok, im back to norm… crapping again!

i know a dozen of u guys can’t wait for my next entry… so i wun keep u waiting… but for now….

buZzing off~
faNa

REFER TO MY PREVIOUS ENTRY FOR THE PRECAUTIONS BEFORE YOU PROCEED

Scenario: There’s a deadly disease spreading faster than a hurricane all over the world. It causes terrible pain, worse than all the pains in the world put together and suffering which finally but slowly leads to death. No one can escape from it as if it get one, it gets all those around. you’d either die in a freak accident or of old age or BY THE DISEASE. there is no way anyone is gonna find a cure for it.

Question:
(a) would u rather die before the disease gets you, as in, kill yourself       or
(b) let the disease kill u slowly which means u’ll die a slow and painful death.

My Answer:
I’d rather let the disease take it’s toll on me. Coz if there’s anything monr painful than the disease, would be hell. And i would end up there if i take my own life away.

it’s weird isn’t it? it is said that those who suffer in the earth (for the good stuff they do) would go to heaven and those who live a pretty damn good life in earth would end up in hell… hmm…

How many times have you thought about ending up in hell? and how many times have you felt that you’ll end up there if you continue your life as you are now, and then say " God, i’m gonna end up in hell" and then just leave it.

Hell: according to the quran, is not something that ANY soul would wanna even think about experiencing. Let me tell you what i remember from what i got from that holy book:
One’s tongue would be cut, then let to grow again and then cut over and over again
He would be served pus and molten copper to drink if he asks for water
and burnt alive, just to get back a brand new skin layer just to be burnt again.
there would be screaming all around. and don’t compare it to rock concerts. coz what one hears there, would be more than enough to burst his ear drums in a split second.
And a day in hell is __ many years in the earth. i forgot the actual figure…. my bad :s

Dear muslims, please read what the quran’s got to say. if you feel it’s a lie, then just remember that it’s a lie that has lasted without even a single word being changed for 1426 years. this fact is even supported by archeological findings.

the adults around me have told me that one who suffers big time on earth would not suffer in the hereafter. and being a strong believer, i wonder… i have seen the sufferings of my grandmum and my mum and i feel that they are that close to heaven

But where do i stand?
i don’t think i have suffered anything near what they did. so, is my future gonna hold me terrible stuff? How long AM i REALLY gonna live? Would i be able to revive as a new, fresh soul?
seing all the sins i’ve done, it makes me wonder… am i closer to getting to hell than heaven if i die RIGHT NOW? am i destined to the fire?

But you know what? the more questions i ask about my religion, the deeper i am digging my own sorry grave.

Just think about it. what you are doing today, what you have done in the past, what u might be doing in the future. it’ll make you love life even more than u think you ever would.

i will be back with more…

Buzzing off…
faNa