The Voices in My Heart

It’s not that I wanna be insensitive, but I can’t help it. I ain’t a person who pours my love over someone just to show I care. In fact, I don’t really care. I ain’t the caring type. Yes, I can empathise but that’s it. I can know exactly how one feels. Sometimes it gets me to tears. But what the hell, you can’t expect me to come to you can sayang you ok. Maybe it’s because I’ve never loved so much to do that.

See, to me love doesn’t come easy. Yes, I love my mum. Yes, I love my sisters. Yes I love my friends. But it’s not like every time they have a problem I go there, sit beside them and pat their shoulder or head. Here’s an example:

Scenario: one of my friend lost her pencil case and thumb drive on the same week. She feels like shit and goes around searching for it. Then she tells me about it… by the way, this is a real situation and you weirdo out there, you know I’m talking about you.

You hardly find me saying:

Friend (F): hey, fana.. I lost my pencil case right…. I can’t find it. Then I just found out that I lost my thumbdrive too… (btw, her thumbdrive has a memory card slot too. So I s’pose she has a memory card there too, but I can’t be sure) damn. I feel like crap ah.
[she goes on looking all stressed up and panicky)

Me: oh my god, 2^nd time in a week! Gosh, we gotta find it… don’be be sad, we’ll definitely find it ok?

F: fana, I’m so depressed la.

Me: (pats her shoulder) it’s ok friend… I will help you as much as I can to find it…

Alright…. The above dialogue…. RARELY happens… or rather NEVER…

This is what normally happens…

F: hey, fana.. I lost my pencil case right…. I can’t find it. Then I just found out that I lost my thumbdrive too… damn. I feel like crap ah.
[she goes on looking all stressed up and panicky)

Me: What! again?! What more are u planning to lose this week? Okok, did you search in the printing  shop?

F: no haven’t. I just found out.

Me: aiyo, go there and ask 1^st! dun be ando! Come come, I follow you.

F: fana, I’m so depressed la…

Me: ya la! Lose everything, so careless then say depressed. Slap u then u know.

(Then we will go to the print shop. The aunty say she didn’t see any. I ask her if she rmr dropping it smwhr, or leaving it in any lab or whatever. She says no, then I sigh and say…)

Me: okok, keep on looking for it. Try and rmr where u last saw it. No point in u sitting here and looking helpless.

My friend would feel as if I dun care and am so not bothered in helping her. But I am, if I dun care, would I have went all the way to the printing shop with her, or asked her so many qns to track back?

It’s just that, my way of caring is not talking with sympathy and consoling. I know I suck at consoling smne. If a person is angry with this other person, I will not bother telling him “it’s ok, dun worry, things will be fine”. I’d rather say “alaa, dun care la, everywhere oso have this kinda problem. You can kill him if u want to”.

See, what’s wrong in being practical right? I just don’t like dwelling on a bad feeling for long. Just get over it and things will be smooth again

Of course there’ll be pple who will tell me that my way is not possible for ALL situations. But I beg to differ. It is, you just gotta know how.

Now you realize that I am sensitive, but not the stereotypical caring type. I have my way of caring. It may make people more sad at that point in time, but after a while, that person will find out they recover faster than me doing the traditional consoling. See, I’m helping people move on…

I wonder how come these people think so "eRgh" of me… gosh! And the worst thing is that, I hear all these stuff from my mum. MY MUM!!!! Tsk tsk… and here I am writing about it, tryna justify myself… hmm

P.S. I know my entries ALWAYS have loads of typo, spelling and grammar errors…. you don’t need to twitch ur face like that….

Buzzing off…

faNa~

Didn’t know it is so hard for you to even look at me
Didn’t know, ever, what u’ve thought of me
Now, I don’t wanna know if u’ve ever thought of me
It hurts inside to see you look right through me
Never felt for anyone the way I did for you
Thought it’ll fade away, but no
And why am I still holding on,
I don’t know
Probably coz I just can’t let you go
It’s ok for me to live with that soft side for you
But is it ok for u to keep it inside and not let it out
Just coz u don’t want to,
for whatever reason u hold?
Some things are just obvious.
If you don’t intend anything,
Why can’t u just be normal?
I notice as much as u wish I didn’t.

Buzzing off…
faNa~

Here I am once again rattling about Islam. But today, it’s kinda different because I ain’t gonna talk about Islam but talk about WHY does it have to be Islam.

See, I’m a Muslim because I was born a Muslim. Being the person that I am, whether you believe me or not, I wouldn’t do a thing if I don’t believe in it. Apart from being born a Muslim, I was also taught on how to be one and whatever taught to me made sense and that’s why I stuck to it so closely. If you know me well enough, you would know I follow what I think is right and not what I was told is right.

The topics I’m gonna discuss below are not intended to discriminate any race or religion. I just wanna let you know how I came about concluding that Islam is the right religion to be in.
Of course I only started thinking of all these stuff after I was about 12 years old. And before I didn’t really know the difference in the religions and just followed what I was taught blindly. In fact, as a child, I really didn’t like being a Muslim. I’ve always seen other religious cultures more colourful. For example Hinduism. I just loved the fact that they put those pretty dots on their foreheads and that they come in different colours and patterns. And I have always loved a beautiful Christmas with all those candles and the huge xmas tree. There are much more. I found Islam rather boring because what I know is all from books and narrations and I see nothing. But of course, as I grew older, learnt more stuff and developed common sense, I began to think. Here are some stuff I thought about. Lemme mention it again. I ain’t discriminating any kinda beliefs. It’s just my point of view.

The Presence of God

Muslims believe that there’s God. One single God who created EVERYTHING we can and cannot see, feel, smell whatsoever. Then I started thinking.
What if there’s no God. How did the world came to be? Where did Man come from? Why do we live and die? What’s the sun and the moon for? Why do we eat? Why, why and more whys. Then I thought.
What if there’s more than 1 God? How if there really IS a God for health, one for wealth, one for life another for death? (eh! It rhymes!) will there ever be quarrels among Gods. If there were, weren’t we be caught in that divine battle? Wouldn’t it be chaos? Can the proverb “Too many cooks spoil the broth” be true in this setting?
I’ve seen people saying statues are their God and even living creatures. But if those are the god, why don’t the statues move and create miracles? Why don’t the living objects glow in the dark or something?
At this time, I was attending religious classes and the teachers often related the words from the Quran. And it made sense to me, that there’s only 1 god and a face cannot be put to God.
That’s one BIG reason why I didn’t decide to be a free thinker or convert personally to another religion.

Heaven and Hell

Does heaven and hell really exist? Nowadays it seems more like a blessing if smne says “ u have a heavenly voice.. blah blah” and a curse if they say “go to hell blah blah…”
Then the bible and the Quran came in to the picture. And in fact, both these books share quite a good homology to what they have to say about these two places. Given that both books were reveled at different places and different era, it is amazing. Moreover, why do we live if there’s no purpose to living?

Satan

It is said in the quran that Satan will tempt people till the end of days to do all the bad in the world. And some examples were given. Then there were signs of dooms day given too. And clearly, many of those signs are really happening. I don’t know if you would believe me or not, but reciting prayers does have the effect it is thought to have if it’s done with believe. People might say that it’s just the physical “energy” the person lets out that makes those stuff happen. Maybe it is true. And these prayers are the keys to open those doors to let the energy out. If you know what I mean…

So in overall, I ain’t a Muslim coz my parents, their parents and the generations before them were. I am Muslim coz I feel it’s right. And of course, like I do in everything else, I try hard to be a Muslim just the way I have to be. I would boldly state that I wasn’t MADE to believe by my elders but CHOSE to believe it now. I am also not ashamed to say that for the 1st 12 years of my life, I wasn’t at all keen being a Muslim; and for the next 4 years or so was still exploring what it is like to be in the religion I was given at birth and what is it like to believe in something else. But now, I am really sure that Islam is the most right, even when looked at from all angles.

Buzzing off…
faNa~

You know how men and women are stereotyped in our society. Men are always known to be self-centered, arrogant, domineering blah blah. And women are always known to be gossips, backstabbers, pushovers blah blah.

I was one day commenting on how selfish men can be and then in a split second, I mean really a split second it stroke. Why ARE men stereotypically selfish?

Ok, lets look at how it all started… God created Man first. Adam. And Eve was only created some time after Adam. So it must be, in the mean time, before Eve came to be, Adam was all alone. And he had no one to think of but himself. And probably he got so accustomed to it that it became genetic.

Now moving on to women. Why do women gossip?  Why are they so trusting?

Back to history…
When Eve was finally alive and kicking, she knew, obviously, that Adam was senior to her and knew more things. So she HAD to trust whatever he said. So she must have practically nodded her way thru life so much so that… it became genetic. And also, since she had no one to talk to except Adam, whatever she discovers amuses her and she must have said it all to Adam in this tone… “Hey, you know what! I saw blah blah”

So that finally evolved into gossips as the population on earth grew and obviously, it became genetic too.

See… this theory of mine is DEFINITELY plausible.

If it makes sense to me, it would to u too. Soon.

Buzzing off…

faNa~

Nowadays there’s so much talk about relationships… you know, being attached, being single, being desperate, being everything but happy.

There are some issues about relationships that I gotta get outta my chest. It’s like sickly phlegm.

1stly, what’s wrong in being single?
It’s always that the grass is greener on the other side. When ur attached, you wanna be single, when ur single u wanna be attached. Who said that if u have a romantic partner, ur at a higher status than a single person? No one right. So what’s the freakin’ problem?
When one is attached, there’re relationship problems, when ur not, there are lonely problems… problems are coming in both ways. And I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that the latter is easier to deal with.
Anyway, getting attached isn’t something like picking a book out of a shelf. Though that’s what many people do. "Well, I’ll try this one, if I don’t like it, I’ll let it go and take the other one".
These are the relationships with holes on ‘em.
Though commitment and love are almost always not there all that is needed is RESPECT. And if it has to, the former two will come into the picture.
I do think I expect too much from relationships. And respect is like the very important thing according to me. Of course chemistry has to be there… Probably that’s why I’m still single. Coz respect is so hard to expect these days; from either sexes.
I don’t particularly like being single, but I’m not looking forward to being attached either… it always depends on who where why. Yeah, why.

2ndly, what’s wrong in dating a classmate? Is it that disgusting and icky?
So what if you see each other everyday? I was talking about this to a friend and being the usual me, I have many many things to say for every comment she has. But she said something that made me shut up and change the topic. She said "oh my god, don’t they get bored looking at each others’ faces everyday, all day?"
I knew that was where I would stop talking about it.
Personally I don’t find dating a classmate a social sin. You got to know one another, you liked one another and one fine day, you both decide to date. What so wrong?

And also, there are stories of best friends becoming an item. Though many people may say it’s dangerous and that a relationship like that between best friends may ruin the true meaning of friendship… think about it.

Your best friend knows you much better than many others. He/she would know sides of you that no one does; both good and bad. If one falls for his/her best friend that person is actually looking pass that pretty face shown to the world. That person CAN make u happy, be your leaning shoulder, share your sorrows, give you advices you would actually follow, wishes for your well-being.

And girls have the knack of rejecting a guy best friend totally just because he asked her out after __ years of being best buds. She’ll say "what?! So this is why u’ve been so good to me?!"
What’s up with that?! In fact, if she backtracks to the time when they became friends, it would be her who actually made friends with him, and not the other way round.

Then there are this group of people who are scared of telling their best friend their feelings for him/her. They’re afraid this would end even the friendship. But what’s life when it’s not about taking chances? No one’s gonna get anywhere without taking chances.

Finally, there’s people who look everywhere for "the one" when "the best one" is under their nose. They just don’t realise that there’s actually this person who really cares, and goes around looking at all the wrong people, and calling themselves "losers in the game of love".

Yes, ur a loser, coz u failed to notice that one person who would accept you with all the affection in the world even if your face is disfigured by some acid.
And Love ain’t a game. There aren’t two players. If there were two players, this game would end with both parties losing.

Most of us are definitely not interested to get committed, but are desperate just to get attached for the fun of it. I just hate that. I’m not tryna say that all relationships should start with commitment. That’s scary. But at least, don’t do it coz it’s fun. It’s not. It’s really not.

And very finally, please don’t try approaching one person so that you’ll do it perfectly to the real person ur interested in. this is the sickest thing anyone can do. There should be no rehearsals in this kinda thang. Its either u get it right the 1st time, or u fail.

Imagine this… there’ll be one day u ask this person on a date. Indirectly, but direct enough for that other person to get it. Then the next day you pretend that nothing has happened. Then you give him/her signs that u might be having a thang for him/her. That person may not even think of you in that way, but because of the way you act, he/she also starts to have feelings for you. Then one day you tell him/her that they were just friendly gestures and than you have no interests of that sort for them; even if they don’t ask and the topic just comes by. Finally you move on to ask the real person on a date, and this other person you "tried it on" comes to know about it. Don’t you think it’s sick?

Put urself in that other person’s shoes. It’s not about dreams being shattered and all that crap. It’s just about those false images that are formed. Even if that person is a very easy-going person. He/she would still feel that "unsaid shame" and "guilt of feeling that way when you didn’t" but least do they know you used them. And if the finally realise you used them… imagine how stupid THAT feels.

Read thru the previous 2 paragraphs with the "you" and "that person" exchanged. Now it’s you who’s being used.

Of all relationship issues, this is really the one, sickest one. Gosh…

I guess I’ve written enough to pump some fuel into tired, bored brains.

So, buzzing off…
faNa ~

For me, a blog is a place to share my opinions on stuff and make it interesting for whoever reading it. We usually read blogs when we wanna take a break or when we have nothing better to do. So please note the word interesting.

I’ve been bothered much by this certain thought these few days. You know, thinking about how I comment on people. And how my comments always end up to be not-so-nice.

Like that day, during our rehearsals for the play, poor Ms Rebecca ( a different name is being used to conceal her identity) had to jog into the scene. I was instructing from the operations room at the top of the theatre. And sorry to say, she had a funny ass way of jogging. So I asked her to do it again…. Several times. But she still didn’t get it.

So I said “Bec, u suck at jogging”.

According to me, I didn’t say anything wrong. But then the crew burst out laughing and they said I was so bad to say such a thing. Then I realized that it was, in fact, not a very nice comment. But then again, I said it as it was. I bet those watching might have thought the same, only that I said it out. Thank god bec didn’t take it to heart.

In another incident, my 2 friends pinky and lala ( and again, different names are being used to conceal their identity. And of all names, it had to be pinky and lala) returned from going to the gym for the 1^st time together. When we were chatting, pinky said that her motivation to workout is to get a body like Jessica Alba. I listened to it, smiled and said nothing. Then lala said her inspiration is Beyonce.

And then my brain started working.

Jessica alba to pinky… plausible.

Lala to Beyonce….. hmmmmm….

So I told lala that she can never become like beyonce. It didn’t strike me at 1^st that it was bad, but then lala’s face just DROPPED and she told me “fana, u noe, it’s so demoralizing to hear that…”, then I realized something was wrong.

So I started explaining to her why Beyonce is outta reach. That B is very meaty and lala’s petite to a certain extent and that B’s too tall, her boobs are too big and stuff like that. But I still don’t think she was satisfied. I’m sooo sorry I had to say what I EXACTLY felt.

Probably J Lo would fit…

My opinions might come out very harsh and blah, but I can tell you, whatever I say.. it’s from the bottom of my heart. Haha, it really is. And it doesn’t mean i hate you. In fact, if I hate you, I wouldn’t bother commenting.  I’m just helping you guys built realistic dreams. I don’t flavor up stuff, I don’t under grade either. After all saying things as they are, is good; as far as I’m concerned but feel free to prove my opinions or me wrong. I seriously don’t hold grudges.

Here’s a quickie of what you can and cannot expect from my comments.

Expect…

A very very frank one, even if you didn’t ask but you’re talking about it to me

Don’t expect…

me to say what you want to hear me say. It almost never happens.

If you feel I criticize people hard, I wanna let you know that I criticize myself much harder.

I do praise people too. If I find them really good.  But I don’t think many people see that side of me. Doesn’t matter….

Anyway, I think I’ll still remain
highly opinionated,
demanding,
bossy to a certain extent,
a person who loves myself A LOT!,
I don’t put myself below others (don’t get it wrong when I criticize myself in the open I’m just letting you know where I stand and that I know what ur thinking, and nothing’s gonna change a bit).

I really think there are good sides to me.. don’t you? Haha.

Ok ciao for now…

Buzzing off…

~faNa